Time to get for real

 So I have been doing good with my getting healthier bit.I walk all the time, go to the gym and try really try to eat lighter.. I never crave sweets I love savory things better....until....I diet. ugh and it makes me so mad but I got some apple rice cake things that kind of do the trick.


   I have been saying FOREVER that I want to lose weight.I actually did it once. After high school and after me and my boyfriend at the time broke up I lost like 30 lbs,only thing is...I didn't see it. I think I have a distorted body image of myself. I mean ppl told me all the time I looked great and I had to buy all smaller clothes but I still didn't see it.I just walked a lot and drank only water.. I would force water (seriously drank it none stop all day) but it kept me full. I also watched what I ate and didn't eat after 6pm.

   Then I met a friend and started hanging out at night and that lead to eating at night and I gained like 8 lbs back and he and his family (small skinny ppl)  are the only ones that still said I was over weight but maybe that's because they didn't know me before,anyways.

  Then I got with my husband (then just boyfriend girlfriend) in Sept of 2003,I was still in Maryland working and well that's just about it and he was in Texas finishing up his contract with the Army. He flew me to Texas the day after my birthday and I was 20 lbs heavier,only still I couldn't tell.. My clothes all still fit and everything... I have always thought of myself as overweight,,,so much so that in high school I developed and eating disorder. I really don't know why I have always thought of myself this was...maybe because I am overweight......but I am the smallest person in my family and they always called me small,but at school I was considered chubby.It was all very confusing I guess.
 
   Anyways so my poor hubby has had to listen to me for years say that I am fat and that I need to lose weight.I ask him why he let me get this way and being a good hubby he tells me I am not fat,wish I could believe that. When we are out at the mall or something and I see a girl walk by I always ask "does my body look like hers" He always says no,ugh So I don't know what I look like.

   We are only in the Army for like 7 more months and after that I will not have access to a gym for free so I am trying to get to where I want to be before that happens. I don't want to nor will I pay for a gym membership. I feel that is taken money from my children... ( another problem for me.... I NEVER put myself first or think I need anything). So I am gonna bust my butt and get for really this time it's my only chance. Wonder if I will be able to do it...(crossing my fingers) I SURE HOPE SO.